


the smoke's the ghost that keeps you close

by Walker_August



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Reader is a Smoker, Reader-Insert, Smoking, Swearing, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:21:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25470781
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Walker_August/pseuds/Walker_August
Summary: Prompt - A desperate yearning to run away, to leave everything behind.
Relationships: Javier Peña/Reader
Kudos: 15





	the smoke's the ghost that keeps you close

It’s one of those cold Colombian nights, a chill in the air coming earlier than usual. The park is quiet at this time of night, especially with the cooler weather, so it’s easy to spot him sitting on the bench alone awaiting your arrival.

In silence, you sit besides him and he offers you the cigarette that had been pursed between his lips. You accept and take a long drag from it, inhaling deep and blowing out a puff of smoke that surrounds you for a moment. It’s difficult not to get in to the habit, working with the people you do. With him especially.

“I wasn’t sure you were going to show tonight” he mutters, taking the cigarette back. How many of those had you watched him smoke, rapt with his every movement? Even before the two of you had started this, you had always found some odd solace in this constant. He had told you once he thought about quitting, but how could he exist without the comforting smell of tobacco following everywhere he went? The familiar scent made it easier to feel like you were with him, when you couldn’t be, that’s probably why you hadn’t quit.

“I needed the walk” you tell him simply, pulling your coat tighter around you as a cool breeze passes through the trees surrounding you. He scoots closer silently, his body heat warming you slightly when you lean against him.

Of course you would come, you always did when he asked you to. And here too? On the bench in the park where you had first properly gotten to know each other. When you were new and couldn’t stand to be cooped up in the embassy all day long, taking lunches out here in the warmth. Your DEA colleague Javier would often be out too, somehow still dark and stormy even in the sunshine, cigarette perpetually hanging from his mouth. You offered him a seat, half a sandwich, and then a willing ear for his frustrated rants. And after a couple weeks you’d offered him much, much more.

Now the sun slowly sets above you, the sky growing darker gradually. It adds to the sombre mood, the unspoken sorrow in your heart and the unease in Javier’s. The week had been a shit-show on all accounts, one you knew he was still on edge from. Blood ran on the streets and it felt like no one could put a stop to it, hard as they tried

“Fuck this week” he sighs, “Are you alright?”

You nod, maybe something of a lie but he doesn’t need to know it.

“Hey, I’m sorry about earlier. The guys in the office…they’re dicks, so am I. I should’ve told them to shut up. You shouldn’t have had to listen to that crap” He mutters, reminding you of the earlier conversation between Javier and some of the other men in the team, them patting him on the back for his sexual conquests. He was, after all, something of a legend in that respect within the agency. 

“It’s fine Javi, I’ve worked here long enough to be used to it. Besides we made an agreement, right? Clean and simple. No strings, I won’t get offended if you talk about fucking someone else” you squeeze his knee lightly, quietly adding “As long as they don’t know about me”.

He shakes his head, no one knows about you and him. You’ve been his best kept secret, he had made a promise to you. You watch as he drags on the cigarette again, orange embers lighting up his face as the colour fades from the sky above. He’s looking away, exhaling away from you for courtesy sake. With the slightest movement he covers your hand on his knee with his own, warm and rough skin filling you with a familiar comfort.

“You know that’s not what this is any more”

He’s right, of course. You had agreed to keep things simple, but the emotional attachment that had formed over the last year was getting impossible to ignore no matter how hard you tried. You’ve known this for months now; what he means to you, the way he makes you feel. The love, unspoken so far but true all the same.

“I know” you agree in earnest, feeling the mood shift. You watch him drop the cigarette and stub it out with his shoe. 

“Are you alright?” you repeat his question.

He just turns to you, brings up a hand to gently cup your cheek and gives you a smile that never reaches his eyes. He looks so worn, now you see his face fully, so tired and forlorn and it makes you want to cry. He leans in, offering you a surprisingly chaste kiss. When he pulls away you wrap your arms around him.

The wracked sigh that leaves him when you hold him tight could break your heart entirely. He’s given you a lot of himself, but this pain, this emotion that comes off him in waves now is something you think he’s been keeping to himself for far too long. He mumbles something against you, sounds like an apology but you can’t make it out, his hands holding on to you so tight it’s like he needs to make sure you’re really there. This is why he needed you here, not to say sorry for an overheard conversation you had already forgotten about. He needed to let out the pain.

And you feel it, every ounce of his suffering as he lets it go. The way it affects you, the sadness you feel washing over you at his anguish, that’s how you know. You love him. It makes you realise just how much you want to see him happy, make him happy. You love him and it hurts you to admit that now, because if you don’t it makes things so much easier - makes leaving him so much easier.

But you break and know that you can’t do that now. You love him, and rash as it may be, you have to tell him. 

“Javi, I need to tell you something” you whisper, pulling away from him to look him in the eye. There’s a glisten in his eyes, and your heart lurches painfully at the knowledge that he’s holding back tears. You feel the sear of anger within you at Escobar, the cartels, the DEA, and everyone else who made him feel this way. Your grasp his hands with yours and begin to finally tell him.

“I…I got offered a post in New York. A while back.” you tell him, breaking eye contact, “I accepted it”. Keeping this secret has been difficult with him, it’s become so easy to tell him everything, but you were in too deep now to just slip away without giving him a reason.

“They’re transferring you? Why?” he asks, confused for a moment.

“No. Well, yes, but only because I asked to be transferred” you admit, a shaky breath leaving you before you continue. “Javi, I can’t be here. I’m not strong enough. I can’t do it; Watching everyone around me die, watching on as innocent people die on the streets, never knowing if it’s going to be over. Watching you slowly kill yourself over this job” the last part is barely said, a whisper in to the cold night air.

He barely reacts, the single flicker of confusion crosses his features and then he’s drawing away. 

“I love you, Javi. I love you and I want you to survive. More than survive, I want you to live. For something other than this” you sweep your hand in the direction of the embassy and turn back to him, steady your quickening heartbeat before continuing “Come with me? I’m leaving in two weeks, I know it’s sudden but… Come with me, please. I want to be with you, but I don’t want us to be here any more. I love you.”

You know what this job means to him, the mission he’s put himself on to stop the violence and suffering in this country and beyond. You know in reality that this is more important to him than his own wellbeing. And you just want to scream at him to be selfish, for once. You ache with how much you want to leave, and even more with how much you want him to leave with you. It’s what you need more than anything. You want him to need it too.

He’s silent, for a longer time than you expect. He stares away, looking towards the city of Bogota, towards the embassy and everything past it. Grinding his jaw slightly as he seems to contemplate your words. He’s going to say no, you think, he hates me for giving up. You start to feel the tears prick in your eyes, they start to fall because you’ve never offered your heart to anyone before but you meant every single word.

And then he turns back towards you, pulls you to him and kisses you softly. You gasp when he pulls back, when he tells you “Yes” and then kisses you once more.

“Yes” he says, and it’s the most hopeful sound you’ve ever heard.

—-

In the days that pass, you feel light in a way you haven’t in a long time. Although you barely get a chance to see Javier, passing him in hallways where your hands touch for a moment and then he’s gone for hours at a time. He’s busy as usual, but the way he looks at you now is different and it’s enough to keep you going.

You start to pack away your life, ready to begin it again in New York. You wonder if Javier is doing the same, but when you sneak upstairs to see him there’s no answer – another late night at work. You need to talk to him properly, make arrangements and discuss the details you didn’t get around to on the night he said yes.

It’s a shock then, when you come in to the office 10 days before you’re due to leave, and hear about the upcoming op in Medellin – due to take place the week that you leave, and lead by him. In the conference room he doesn’t look at you, and your stomach drops as you come to a realisation.

He’s not coming with you.

“Javier” you rush after him when you leave the conference room, trying not to draw attention. A hand on his arm to stop him, he let’s you pull him towards the empty kitchen. For a long minute you are both quiet, the buzz of the office outside the only sound. You don’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to say what he needs to.

“You’re not coming to New York are you?” you blurt out the question, the hurt in your voice making him wince.

He takes a long breath, then shakes his head, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”.

“But you said yes” it’s almost a whimper, pathetic and miserable, and he stands there awkwardly before taking your hand in his.

“I know. I know. I just- I can’t leave. I don’t blame you for wanting to, for getting out, but I can’t leave – not now.”

Part of you isn’t surprised, of course. Part of you can’t even imagine him away from here, doing anything other than this. But the rest of your suffers, a clutching pain inside of you that makes you feel nauseous and weak. You don’t even think about where you are, who might see, when he brings his arms around you and pulls you to his chest, holding you gently. His apology once again repeated against your skin.

“I love you, you know” he whispers, the unspoken words hang in the air between you – I love you but I can’t be with you

Maybe he’ll change his mind, maybe when you’re gone he’ll realise he wants to get out too. There are so many maybes. But the reality is that Javier knows how to live with regret, he’s been doing it for years. So maybe you’ll have to learn to forget him, however long that takes. 

Maybe one day you’ll be able to quit.


End file.
